I Had Him

I am not a poet by any means, in 2013 after attending one more support group that was going nowhere but further down, I came home even more broken and I was ready to give up.

But God… had a different plan for me that night. As I sat crying in frustration of yet another failed attempt to end this constant depression and torment. He had me write this poem. It reflects my pain; and the pain that I saw in others.

As I look in the mirror through eyes of tears

I see that person I have become over the years

Feeling the pain of a life gone wrong

Their condemning voices still ring so strong

You’re fat; you’re stupid, I want out of here

You’re so pathetic, you repulse me, don’t even come near

I am worthless, disgusting, with no brain in my head.

Yes I’m fat and I’m ugly and I’d be better off dead.

Where am I, where have I gone

This is not the place that I belong

I don’t want to sit here and always cry

I want to soar, I want to fly

I want to love and be loved back

I want to be free from their attack

I have so very much more to give

I want the joy, the laughter; I want to live!

Oh Lord, today I choose a new song

Take away this pain from a life gone wrong

I have been so lost I want to be found

Renew my spirit, let your love abound

Change my heart, Give me new desires

Bring down Your Holy Spirit like fires

Open my eyes and allow me to see

Your plan, Your purpose, Your intention for ME.

As I wrote this poem and prayed, Lord I don’t want to go through this anymore. He met me there in my pit and made me recognize what I so anxiously wanted was what I already had all along. I had HIM!